What Can Married Couples Do to Get Out of a Rut

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In a few weeks, my husband and I will be celebrating our twenty-third wedding anniversary. Honestly, that is hard even to comprehend; it doesn’t feel like we’ve been married that long, yet, at the same time, it feels like we’ve been married forever. Ha!

Like any marriage, we have waded in and out of seasons where our love feels stagnant or consumed by this crazy and busy life, stealing the romance and sabotaging the purposeful partnership that God designed. We’ve also had different viewpoints or visions, especially regarding the raising of our little people, which has caused us to approach things individually rather than teaming up together as parents on a mission. And then there have been times when the lack of intimacy has left us feeling more like roommates than lovers. Ugh! I really hate that one; it is a real heartbreaker.

So, what do we do when our marriage just feels “off” or gets stuck in a rut?

Well, I would like to say that after all these years, we’ve figured it all out, but of course, we haven’t. However, what I can say is that we have learned to take notice of the warning signs, prompting us to take action and give our love a little TLC.

When Your Marriage Is Screaming, “Mayday!”

If your marriage seems “stuck,” and you are feeling a bit hopeless today, please understand one fundamental truth – this happens to all marriages! Yes, read that again if needed. I say this because the enemy would love nothing more than to have you believe your marriage is the only one that goes through rough patches and is therefore doomed. Don’t believe that lie for one minute!

The truth is that it is never too late to save a marriage, because our God is the master at creating something beautiful with fragile and broken pieces, oftentimes making it stronger than ever! However, we must recognize when our marriages need help and are loudly (or silently) screaming, “Mayday!”

The bottom line is that our marriages don’t get to this point overnight. The dissonance and chipping away usually happen over an extended period of time. After all, life pulls us in a thousand different directions. Whether it’s work schedules, kids’ events, household duties, or a surplus of other responsibilities, the sad reality is that the most sacred of relationships gets pushed to the side.

Unfortunately, this is exactly where the enemy works his magic, leaving us in a situation where we are sending out an S.O.S., pleading for our marriage to find purpose and passion again. At other times, it leaves us feeling jaded as we begin to withdraw due to a lack of intimacy and disconnection. These are all warning signs that your marriage needs a course of action and a way to get back on track. So, let’s address three key ways to do just that!

Remember God’s Design for Purposeful Partnership

God lays out a beautiful depiction of how we are to live out our marriage in His Word. It all begins with a holy covenant (Mark 10:9). There is a divine purpose behind this unique partnership—it is the only relationship that brings two people together in such a sacred way. Ponder on that thought for just a moment by reliving your wedding day. Sometimes we just need to go back and take stock of where the love all started.

Now is the time to fight for that love. If your marriage is feeling stuck in a rut, open up with your spouse and simply share how you are feeling. A simple comment like “I miss us” can convey to your spouse that you want to make changes to better your union. Open dialogue can also insinuate that you want your marriage to move forward in a healthy way.

After communicating your concerns, prioritize your partnership by scheduling a date night and work to make it a regular occurrence. One-on-one time is invaluable to your marriage. If there is still a disconnect, seek counsel from trusted mentors, marriage professionals, or seek resources from your church. Your marriage is worth it!

Put Your Marriage Over Parental Obligations

As much joy as our children can bring, we need to remember that God has an order to our relationships, and those precious darlings come second to our marriage. After loving God with our heart, mind, and soul (Deuteronomy 6:4), we are called to love our spouse. The partner with whom we took an oath and vow, claiming to love until death do us part (Song of Solomon 8:6). A family begins with a man and woman who become husband and wife.

While God gives us the directive to multiply and grow the next generation, shooting arrows off into this world, He also commands that we do this as a unit—together (Deuteronomy 6:6-7). That means that our marriage must take precedence over all other human relationships (and obligations), including our children. This comes with intention and an effort to prioritize our schedules and busy lives. If you need to whip out your phones or calendars to chart a game plan on how to tackle the week, strive to take daily walks together, or sit on the back porch at the end of the day to truly reconnect, that time will reap a bounty of blessings. I assure you of that.

The beauty of placing your marriage first is that your children are taking notice. They are watching how you love one another and how you respond when your love gets tested. Give them an example to live by.

Restore the Passion

Alright, we have to address this issue because, oftentimes, it is the root cause of the “rut” that married couples find themselves in. If you are feeling more like roommates than lovers, there is a problem. Before you grow disheartened, it’s not a problem without a resolution. So, there is hope.

The truth is that God wants so much more for our marriages than just a dull partnership. He wants us to enjoy your spouse in every way possible, which includes intimately. And being that our God invented this marital intimacy and gave it to us as a special and sacred gift to be joyfully exchanged and shared between a husband and a wife, there should be an eagerness to want to invite that kind of love into our marital beds (Hebrews 13:4).

However, when marriages face hardship or harbor pain, it can lack the beauty found in the sweet gift of sexual intimacy. If this is the case in your marriage, please know that God wants restoration and healing. Pray for wisdom and seek support from a trusted counselor if needed to gain clarity on how to move forward with hope.

While highs and lows of intimacy are common in marriage, if you and your spouse aren’t on the same page here, talk about it. Share your wants and needs, and listen to your spouse share theirs. Then start with a simple routine by creating space to be alone and enjoy one another’s company. Put the kids to bed, place the phones away, turn off the TV, and allow your hearts to connect.

If it’s been a while, know that rekindling the flame takes time, so be patient with one another. But do take the initiative by trying to meet your spouse’s needs. Tap into their love language or do something special for them to invite that love in. Be willing to receive that love, too. When you and your spouse exchange love in this intimate way and strive to do so on a regular basis, you will begin to feel that oneness again.

"Submit to one another out of reference for Christ." Ephesians 5:21

Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.