Everyone Acts in a Way that Makes Sense to Them

Chip Ingram: What do you do when your boss or friend or spouse or one of your kids says or does something that doesn't make any sense? I mean, it makes you crazy. You get angry. You find yourself waking up in the middle of the night and you say to yourself, "Why did they do that? Why did they say that?" Today we're going to learn one simple principle that can change all that. Stay with me.
Dave Druey: I'm Dave Druey and this is Living on the Edge. Today, Chip Ingram continues his series *Caring Enough to Connect: Building Bridges to Those We Love* with two personal stories from Chip's own life. One from the early months of his marriage and one from a painful misunderstanding with a fellow ministry leader, both showing how a single shift in perspective can completely change your most difficult relationships. If someone in your life has ever left you shaking your head, today's message may change how you see them. Here's Chip Ingram with today's message titled, "Everyone Acts in a Way That Makes Sense to Them."
Chip Ingram: I'm talking about basically life lessons in terms of building a great family and just great friendships. Principles that have to do with marriage, parenting, friendship, your boss. So, let me do a quick review. Principle number one: the biggest lesson I learned was it all begins with God. I come from a family background. There's a multibillion-dollar self-help industry. There are TV shows, there are books, there are movies that all tell you this is how to do relationships. My biggest lesson is God created relationships and His word gives direction on how to have great ones by His intent. The passage was Proverbs 9:10. It says, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding," saying, "God, the wisdom, the skill to do relationships, You have it." And then the practice was: make God's word your handbook for relational guidelines. In other words, if God says, "Look, this is how to do marriage," do it His way. If He says, "This is how to raise your kids," do it His way. If He says, "This is how to respond to your parents," do it His way. If He says, "Look, here's how you do business relationships, friendships," do it His way. The second principle was that everyone is desperately insecure. We looked at the very beginning of time and Adam and Eve and that once sin entered the world, we're all, in varying degrees, we're just desperately insecure people. Since that time, we're fear-based. Because we're afraid of what other people will think about us, we hide. So, we pretend and we image-cast and we perform and we manipulate and we so fear rejection. It's in all of us that we want to figure out what other people will like and accept, and then we project that or we perform for that or we look that way. Maybe if I'm good in music or athletics or art, if I can make a lot of money or if I can live over here or if I can drive this, all these things, and we create these relational holograms that are three feet away from who we really are, so that people will like us. Unfortunately, even if they like the hologram, it doesn't touch the depth of our heart. So, we said the passage was Genesis chapter three, and then our practice was: take off your mask. Authenticity builds genuine relational intimacy and hypocrisy destroys it. That great truth that people are not looking for perfect people, but people like you and me are really looking for authentic, real people. Principle number three is: everyone behaves in a way that makes sense to them. Everyone you meet, every behavior you encounter, whether it's from your dad, your mom, your mate, your friend, your boss, an employee—everyone behaves in a way that makes sense to them. When people act in immature, inappropriate, or even have patterns that appear absolutely dysfunctional and damaging, they're doing it for reasons that at least inside their head and from their experience, it makes sense. Most people don't say to themselves, "I know what I could do that would just wreck my marriage. I think I'll do this and really alienate everyone that I know." That is not how people think. Now, they act in ways that do that, don't we? But they think in ways that actually make sense to them. Everyone behaves—and you say, well, that seems kind of simple. I've got to tell you, when you get your arms around that, it'll revolutionize how you interpret what happens because sometimes it's not even wrong. Sometimes people are very, very different and so they respond in ways that make sense to them that are completely foreign to you, but it causes conflict. Let me give you my first example where I began to learn about this. Theresa and I come from very different families. I came from a family of schoolteachers that really believed in education and thought that the way you learn is around the supper table. So, we would eat dinner and then literally push the plates to the middle—you couldn't even clean them up—and then, this is why I like coffee, I think, my parents would get a cup of coffee. I didn't like milk, but if I would drink half my milk, they'd put a little coffee in it and a little sugar. Seriously, from about four years old on. We would talk for 45 minutes around the table. That question like, "So, what did you learn in school today?" if you went, "Oh, nothing," that did not work in this family. So, what I learned is a dynamic occurred in our family that the way to even be heard is you have to interrupt somebody. So, my family, when you talk, you have to track because they interrupt and everyone's talking all the time. Well, Theresa came from a family that was just the opposite and people were very polite and very cordial, but not overly communicative. Neither of us was right, neither of us was wrong. Must have been about two, maybe three months after we were married and we're going to drive up, I think, and visit her sister—it's a two-and-a-half-hour drive or so. We have a little conversation in the car. So, we talk a little bit and I notice that I'm way more talkative in this new marriage relationship than my wife. So, like men do, we count things, probably not very wisely at times. So, I decide that I'm going to run an experiment and I'm not going to say anything and see how long it takes her to initiate the conversation and talk to me. Now, you've got to remember, all of us are desperately insecure. My experience tells me in my family, if you don't talk to me, you're rejecting me because that's how I grew up, that's the way we punished each other. I mean, when you're fighting for airtime, the way you tell someone that "Boy, I don't like you" is you don't talk. So, we drive and I'm going to run this experiment. 10 minutes goes by. 20 minutes goes by. Now, I'm starting to go: we're married like three months, what's the deal with her? 30 minutes goes by. 32 minutes goes by. 35 minutes, 37 and a half minutes and I'm just going, "What is going on here?" I thought we had a good marriage. I thought I married the right person. What's going on? She won't even talk to me. I mean, we must have a big problem. I mean, I am, in my mind, it's building and building and building. We hit the 45-minute mark and I decide that's it. So, she's looking out the window, seems to actually be enjoying things, at times looks over at me and smiles, which is ridiculous. 45 minutes, you haven't talked to me. Then I turn to her: "What's wrong with you anyway? I can't believe you. 45 minutes we've been in this car, you haven't said a word," and I attacked her. After we realized we had a little difference and I got clothed in my right mind emotionally and mentally and we worked it all out—everyone behaves in a way that makes sense to them. When Theresa's family drove in the car, people didn't talk a lot. My wife loves nature. My wife was sitting there—actually revealed she had good thoughts about me. And she was seeing how beautiful nature was and looked at me and said, "Oh yeah, I was having a wonderful time. I thought how wonderful it is to be in the same car, enjoy all this beauty, to be newly married, and know that even without words, we can be close." I'm thinking, "Without words, this marriage is on the rocks and we've only been here two months." Do you understand the difference? If you understand people behave in a way that makes sense to them, if you don't understand that, you'll assume that they behave in a way that should make sense to you. When you place that demand on people—because a lot of times, that wasn't moral, her family wasn't right and mine wrong or vice-versa, but it produced tremendous conflict. Proverbs 14:12 says, "There is a way which seems right to a man." First part of that: there is a way that seems right to a person. There's a way to talk, there's a way to do business, there's a way to parent, there's a way to respond to parents, there's a way to spend money, there's a way to prioritize. There is a way that seems right to a person. All of us have in our mind there's a way that seems right to us. But it says if it isn't in alignment with God's wisdom, it says what? "But the end thereof is the way of death." If you begin to understand, even when people blow up, even when people say things after a long time in a relationship, even when a kid slams the door, it doesn't mean you condone the behavior, but if you assume that it doesn't make sense to them, then you'll usually attack the wrong issue and the relationship will further deteriorate.
Dave Druey: You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram and there's more coming up in just a moment. But first, stick around after today's teaching. We'll tell you about a resource built to help you have real, gospel-centered conversations with the people in your own life who feel far from God. It's called *Not Beyond Reach*, and it might be exactly what you need for that one relationship you've been praying about. Now back to today's lesson.
Chip Ingram: Give you another quick example. I had an experience just in the last couple months. There was a Christian organization—we'd build a good relationship—and they said, "We have this ministry to churches and people around the world and we heard a series and we think you have a couple messages that would really help them." I said, "Well, great. We've never done an international conference. Would you go to Hong Kong and we'll have a couple other teachers go, and we think this would be great." I thought, "I've got a great friend in Hong Kong, we've mentored a church in Hong Kong, I really believe in what they're doing," so I go and I do it. Then I came back and they had a couple other conferences they asked me to speak at. Had a great relationship—and this is the leader of this whole deal—and I thought everything was great. I didn't really notice that they didn't ask me to speak for a year. I didn't notice that they didn't ask me to speak another—I was pretty busy anyway. And then we had a big project that we had talked about earlier and they said, "Whenever you get ready, let us know about this project." So I call—no response. I email—not even a return call. Well, they're busy. I understand. They're probably out of the office. So I wait two months, go through the same—no response. And all of a sudden I'm thinking, "Now wait a second, I went all across the world to these people, gave them a week of my life, I've done two major events for them, and you can't even get a return phone call?" And so then I decide, a guy taught me, okay, I'll do a phone conference. So I called their assistants, we set up a phone conference, and on the day of, five minutes before the conference, "Oh, an emergency's come up, so-and-so can't make it." So now I'm thinking, "Now, am I connecting these dots and these are all just coincidences or is there a problem here?" Well, I don't want to tell you about the second phone conference that was canceled, the time I learned to talk to his assistant and she goes, "Oh yeah, he's right in the other room," and then after she checks, "Oh, I didn't realize," and her voice tells me—you all been here, right? I need to figure out how to cover for my boss without making you feel too bad. He doesn't want to talk to you. Eventually, I end up talking with a board member and had another big meeting that he at the last minute dropped out of. Now here's what I've got to tell you. If I don't understand that people always behave in a way that makes sense to them, I want to tell you some thoughts that casually went through my mind: "What kind of a jerk is this guy? I go all across the world, I do this, I do this, I do this, he won't return my phone call? Are you kidding? Who does he think he is? Is he the most arrogant guy in the whole world? Does he just use people? You know what, I thought that was a good organization, but you know what, I guess I was wrong. They just used me and..." Not that any of those thoughts would ever go through my mind, but if my flesh was in control, they could have. Of course, all those thoughts and all those feelings and what would have happened? This. And then probably in my flesh I would have thought of very subtle, sophisticated ways to tell other Christian leaders about what bums they are. That's sort of what sin does, isn't it? And instead, by the grace of God, I thought to myself, "Everyone behaves in a way that makes sense to them." And I got on a phone call with two of his leaders and I said, "I would do this directly, but I can't get an audience with your boss." And I just recited the things that we had agreed upon and what I've done. And I said, "Would you tell him I have a conviction from God that I must have wounded him in some way? Because all the data of his life has been he is a good man, he's a godly man, you have a great organization, and he won't even return my phone call. So I'm assuming there's a problem between us." And since one of the relational principles is: it always begins with God—all those feelings and thoughts that were angry and bitter and unforgiving came to my mind, but I have a verse that says, Matthew 5:23 and 24, "If when you come and present your offering to the Lord, there at the altar and remember your brother has something against you, you lay down your offering and go to your brother." And so I said to these two guys, "Tell your boss I will be bugging him until he answers my call, and I believe in some way, I don't know what I did, I don't know why, but I don't have relationships with Christian leaders like this. And I don't put it under the rug, and he and I are going to talk and we're going to get this resolved and tell him in advance, I'm not mad at him, but this can't go on. I need to hear what I've done wrong." Long and the short of it is, a board member coincidentally called me the next day of his organization and just in conversation asked a couple questions and I said, "Brother, I'd like to talk direct—I can't get him to talk to me." He said, "Let me see what I can do." And when board members call you and you head Christian organizations, it has immediate impact. And so I got a call the next day and we set up this thing, we talked, and it was really interesting. We get on the phone together and I tell him kind of my side of the story, and then here's what my assumption is: he's behaving in a way that makes sense to him. And I say to him, use his name: "All my experience is you're a good man, you're a godly man, it's a great organization, we've partnered in three or four major events. This behavior is totally contrary to everything I know about you, but I have to assume it makes sense to you. And the only explanation I have is that I've wounded or offended you in some way, and so will you please get that on the table so I could ask you to forgive me?" And he said, "You know, as a matter of fact, you did. Remember two years ago," and he cited it and we agreed that we weren't going to bring up one issue in this conference. I said, "Fine, you're the head of it." And then when I got up two hours later, the person who was emceeing the event asked me two questions about that issue. I assumed, I guess he talked with his boss and he changed his mind, so I took three minutes on it, went on. We didn't talk with his boss. He just did that. His perception was: you and I talked, we agreed not to address that one issue, and then you got up in front of my constituency and addressed that issue. And then I said, "Why didn't you come to me?" And then all of a sudden—are you ready for this?—two leaders get to talk. And he didn't use these words, but basically said, "You know something? I'm premising. Because I'm desperately insecure just like you, you know, all of my leadership life, I have not addressed issues with people when there's conflict. I hate conflict. And what I've done is I've just pushed it down, pushed it down, pushed it down, and I didn't really even know, I just knew there was something, I couldn't put my finger on it, but when the board member called and when I got your email and when the two—my COO and the other vice president—said, 'You're going to keep calling until this gets resolved,' he said, 'I put my finger on it.'" And you know what's amazing? When you begin to treat people and understand they always, always act in a way that makes sense to them, it is amazing what healing can occur than assuming their motives are bad, they're carnal, they're evil, they're trying to hurt you, they're out to get you. Doesn't mean you condone the behavior. And so here's the practice I want to give you. Two things that have been so helpful over the years. Number one: become a student of others' behavior to learn the why behind the what. Become a student of others' behavior. I literally have—and Theresa has with me—we've become students of one another's behavior. I've become a student of my kids' behavior. I've become a student of the people that I work with, a student. I now know the why behind the what of her silence and her silence now—of course she talks a lot more now and I shut up more now, so we've both grown—but the why behind the what is there isn't a problem. I've learned that my wife gets refreshed by being alone, I get refreshed by talking and verbalizing. And so there's times where she's getting refreshed and I know the why behind the what, so I can give her space and not feel rejected. She has now learned that she may not feel like talking, but I've been through a board meeting or this or that, I've been out of the country, and we need to go to Starbucks and she's going to sit and just ask four or five questions and I'll talk for an hour and a half, and I feel better when I get done. But be a student, the why behind the what. Understand, one of my sons went through a real rebellious stage and he butted heads, butted heads, butted heads. And I remember near the end toward the breakthrough and God did an amazing thing. Everything he did I assumed was rebellion against me and challenging my authority and God. And I remember I started thinking, "You know, he's a smart kid. He keeps doing really dumb stuff in my opinion and it causes all this conflict." And we sat down on his bed—he's 17, he lifted weights, was a big wrestler, was huge, big strong kid—and I remember thinking there's got to be a why behind the what and I pushed and I pushed and I pushed. And I'll never forget this strapping big muscular guy breaks down and bawls like a baby in his bedroom. And the why behind the what was not as much rebellion as it was fear. And he was scared to death of not measuring up. And you know as a parent, don't you as a parent deal differently with a child who's afraid than a child who rebels? Become a student of the why behind the what of people's behavior. Second: choose to ask this question. What is the most generous explanation for their behavior? When your mate or friend does something that really bugs you, ask yourself: what's the most generous explanation? And really what that means is you're saying, "They're behaving in a way that makes sense to them. I don't understand it and it may have hurt me, but what's the most generous explanation?" See, the harshest explanation from my friend who's a Christian leader was: he's arrogant, he's a jerk, he used me, he's insensitive, and he is unwilling to address hard issues, which tells me he has lack of integrity. That's my harshest assessment. The most generous assessment is: why would a good, godly leader of a great organization act in a way that is so contrary to everything that I know of him? Do you see the difference? The approach is completely different. So ask yourself when with one of your kids or with your mom or dad or with a business associate or even with a neighbor, ask yourself in relationships: "Hmm. You know what, I don't know what's going on here, but this makes sense to them."
Dave Druey: You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram and a message titled, "Everyone Acts in a Way That Makes Sense to Them." And in case you've ever missed one of these daily messages, let me remind you that you can always catch up online at livingontheedge.org. And if you'd like to hear these messages while you're out on the go or simply get them downloaded automatically to make sure you never miss a message, be sure to subscribe to the Living on the Edge podcast wherever you listen. Aaron Pierce wrote his book titled *Not Beyond Reach* out of years spent building friendships with secular young people who'd already written off the church. His book walks you through a simple three-part framework: building genuine friendship, having honest spiritual conversations, and finally sharing the gospel itself, so you're never guessing what to say or when to say it. So get your copy of the book *Not Beyond Reach* at a special price today at livingontheedge.org/offers. None of this reaches anyone without listeners like you standing behind it. Every time this teaching lands in a car, a kitchen, or a break room right when someone needs it, it's because someone chose to give. Would you consider becoming a monthly partner or making a gift today? It's so simple, just go to livingontheedge.org or call our team at 888-333-6003. Or you can send your gift by mail to Living on the Edge, PO Box 3007, Suwanee, Georgia 30024. Well, now here's Chip Ingram.
Chip Ingram: As we close today's teaching, I want you to really pause right this moment. I don't care if you're driving in the car, you're on the treadmill—whatever's going on right now, I want you to think about what relationship, what person in your life is just a perpetual relationship challenge, right? I mean, they just keep doing things or saying things that just frustrate you. Is it your mate? Is it one of your kids? Is it one of your parents? Is it a coworker? Is it someone at church? I mean, you just keep finding yourself frustrated with this person and instead of blaming, instead of accusing, instead of having sleepless nights, let's just kind of play a little game. What's the most generous explanation that you could have of their behavior? Why? Because they're actually acting in a way that makes sense to them. And so often what happens is we experience people's behavior and it literally makes no sense, and we do get mad, and we do react, and often how we react escalates the problem instead of making it better. And if you could learn this little principle—and by the way, it takes discipline, you sort of have to pause and then you sort of play a little game where you say, "Okay, if I had to make up an explanation or two for why this person would keep saying this when they know it makes me nuts, what would it be?" And when you do that, you'll be amazed how it will change your thinking and then change how you relate to someone. My point is, we all act in a way that makes sense to us, and if you get behind that, understand the person, it is the first step toward resolving some really big problem relationships.
Dave Druey: That's Chip Ingram and the end of today's program. Join us next time as we continue our series *Caring Enough to Connect* here on Living on the Edge. Today's program is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.